This question came from a Facebook fan.
“Why does someone become more desirable when they are attached to someone else? My friend is about to become engaged, and her ex-fiancé is begging her to come back! He is professing his love, asking if it’s too late to win her back. It doesn’t make sense, and it never does!”
This scenario is all too common and has nothing to do with the woman. It has everything to do with the man. Unfortunately, because of the lack of education on these topics, he believes he is professing his love, but he is a love-avoidant codependent.
We are all raised codependent, and the version of relationships we see in movies is codependent. We rarely have an example of an actual healthy relationship. Therefore, we think codependency is a normal relationship, and that is why most relationships fail. This phenomenon is partially responsible for the high divorce rate.
The woman told me she and her friend and ex-fiancé had attended marriage counseling. The ex left counseling saying he wasn’t sure if he loved her - this happens a lot with a love avoidant codependent. An avoidant is scared of intimacy and being known. The closer they get to the connection, the more likely they are to turn away. Even someone who is suddenly “too busy” to be with you is most often suffering from love-avoidant, codependent intimacy issues.
The bigger and deeper fear for these people is abandonment. For example, this man likely experienced abandonment as a child from his caregivers, so he is triggered and projecting this trauma onto her (it is important to remember he does not know he is doing this - it is not malicious intent). Now that she has moved on, he feels he has been left, that is why he is throwing everything at her to get her to stay, but it isn’t real love. It’s deep-rooted abandonment fears. If she takes him back, he will most often leave again when the prospect of connection and intimacy returns.
This man is screaming to cover over his abandonment fears! The best solution for the woman? Ignore him. The most loving thing she can do is stop communicating and let him learn on his own to deal with those feelings. If she tries to talk him through it, it robs him of the opportunity to search out the knowledge, skills, and tools to heal.
If you are in this situation, my suggestion is to empathize that this person is hurting from something you did not cause (and they don’t know), but tell them you are with someone else and end communication with them.
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