Today I want to share what I believe to be the three critical steps we want to take to fully and completely love and accept ourselves.
The first step is a bit surprising – and the most overlooked! We need to sit down and write out our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s. Almost every single person I come across has never done this. We think we don’t need to because we feel we already know our morals and values. But then someone will tell me about a work situation, a relationship, or even a hobby, describing something about it they hate. They don’t realize it doesn’t align with their morals and values: they had no idea.
Most people don’t sit down and ponder: what do I really believe and want? Take a relationship. Do you believe in monogamy? Are you not OK with intimacy before marriage? Do you need intimacy within the first couple of dates? What’s your moral and value? Are any of these negotiable or non-negotiable? By taking the time to really ponder these fundamental questions, we will immediately know if you should or shouldn’t continue seeing someone on a first date. This is the single most significant way people don’t love themselves, and it’s the single most straightforward way to make sure we do love ourselves completely. So it is pivotal that we evaluate our work, relationships, hobbies, etc.: every area of our lives. Find your morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s for every category. Doing so provides us with a North Star to always guide our choices.
Step two: give back the shame and negative feelings that are in all of us. As I talk about in many of my videos, 70% of the messaging we get as a child is negative, disempowering, and self-sabotaging. That means all of us are filled with messages of “you’re bad, stupid, ugly, fat, skinny”: whatever it may be, we all have these messages dumped in us. Here’s how you find them: discover your mantras. When you make a perfect mistake, what phrases do you use to shame yourself? “I’m so stupid.” “What was I thinking?” “Come on, Kenny!” How do you belittle yourself? Those phrases aren’t yours: write them down and ask yourself, “who taught me this?” Then give it back. The next time it comes up, you’ll give it back to the mom, dad, sister, brother, coach, priest, whoever it may be, that placed it in you. Tell them you love them, but you won’t carry their phrase or pain any longer.
Step three: forgive yourself. We are all human and perfectly imperfect. You know those moments where you know precisely the right thing to do, but you can’t make yourself do it? That’s proof! If you were able to do it, you would have. You’re doing the best you can in every single moment. When we want to learn to conquer those things we can’t do, we gather more information. As we know more, we can do more. Make sure you forgive yourself for your perfect imperfections. Accept you’re doing the best you can.
Now, what are the three signs that show us we are not loving ourselves? The first is allowing or pursuing behavior against our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s. When we don’t love ourselves, we allow other people not to love us either. So, take a look at where in your life you are allowing behavior that goes against your morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s? When you find them, notice how they fill you with resentment and anger because you’re going against yourself. That’s the single most significant way we don’t love ourselves.
Second: we stay in destructive relationships. I really don’t need to explain further – we’ve all done it. We all have this tendency because of the shameful messages from childhood that left us feeling unworthy. It’s our job to do the work, get back to our morals and values, and start loving ourselves.
Step three: there’s addiction present. This is a tough one because nearly everyone on this planet is addicted to something, whether it’s food, TV, the phone, alcohol, pills, pot, clothing, gambling, etc. Addiction sabotages us because underneath all addiction is tremendous pain. Recognize the only reason we use addiction is that undressed pain is eating away at us. Addiction attempts to solve intolerable pain, but it creates pain because it goes against our morals and values. We must heal that pain to be free of the addiction.
There are three keys to look for when we are and are not loving ourselves. I hope this helped and remember,
Enjoy The Journey!
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