Hello and welcome back! Today I’m talking about how to heal the pain from our past – I’ll be laying out the entire process. Before I get started, I want to disclaim: there are a ton of modalities out there. They’re all great, and they all work yoga, acupuncture, mindfulness, etc. It’s all part of the process. But I’ve seen in my experience personally and with clients that what I’m about to share must be in the recovery process. You can’t skip this. You won’t get the full benefit of the other modalities without this – this is the foundation to heal the pain from the past.
Here are the steps to the awareness process:
- Download a feelings list – I have one on my website. The text has been highlighted to take you directly to the site. Keep this with you, and for the next several days, check in. See how you feel and pay particular attention to any negative feelings. Start getting attached to what you’re feeling – this entire process is a feeling process, not a thinking process.
- Where in your body are you feeling this? You may feel it in the same spot every time or different areas. Please make a note of it.
- What’s your first memory of having this feeling? Most people will remember it from 1-5 years ago. Please write it down. Think of the subsequent memory before that: same thing, some life event. Keep going back. Eventually, you’ll arrive in childhood where something happened. This is where all this pain comes from. For many people, their childhood was so traumatic they don’t remember much of it, which leads me to…
- When we don’t remember our childhood, that means your childhood was filled with trauma that you dissociated. Many people struggle with admitting this. You may not remember a specific event, but you may remember a feeling. That’s fine. Think of the emotion and the age you were.
- Recognize you developed an emotional chemical addiction to this pain from your childhood. You can see now that you’ve repeated this pain all your life. It’s proof your childhood was less than perfect.
- Recognize The Worst Day Cycle. We repeat the pain from our childhood. Our brain and body create an emotional-chemical addiction to traumatic feelings and store them in our subconscious mind. All our life, our decisions are based on this programming. Studies show that 70% of what we experienced in childhood is negative, disempowering, and self-sabotaging; we keep repeating it. We want to shift the emotion and subconscious away from this and make a good foundation instead.
- What are your mantras? When we make a mistake, we think we’re stupid and wonder what we were doing. We all have these mantras: “What’s the point? F*** it!” etc. This keeps us replaying in that trauma. Write these mantras down.
Now that we are aware, we have to start the 5-step repairing process:
- Grief and empathy. Many of us have never grieved our parents’ perfect imperfections. We’ve never been in the reality of how hurtful those moments were. Now that we are aware, we must grieve. Allow yourself to cry and be sad. It’s unfortunate! It still affects you directly. Don’t minimize and suppress it. Permit yourself to feel the pain. Have empathy for yourself and your parents. Our parents are not bad people – they are doing the best they can. They didn’t have all the information, so they made loving mistakes. Give the pain back. Use your mantra as a guide. Use the painful experience and how the mantra ties into it. Feel yourself, reach in, and grab that phrase. Pull it out. Say you love the person that put it there; you knew their heart was in the right place, but it was hurtful, and you will not carry the pain anymore. There is no blame or shame. It’s empathy - no one ever taught us this. We extract the pain from us and give it back.
Reclaim your inherent self. When our parents roll their eyes or get exacerbated, we separate from ourselves and lose who we are. We have to reattach to ourselves. The first step in this is rage. We never got to express ourselves or defend ourselves. We were children – it’s our job to follow an older person’s advice. We went along as a survival mechanism. Here’s how to express anger: write a letter. You won’t send it. This is just for you. Make it really, really focused. Get into the feeling if you felt humiliated, discarded, insignificant, ignored, abandoned. List it out – this goes back to your feelings list. It will get in touch with the sadness and rage.
- I suggest you get really judgmental – it’s OK in this situation. Use profanity. Let yourself rage. Release it. Get it out. You’ve been carrying it for too long. Studies show that chronic fatigue, chronic pain, migraines, arthritis, cancer, obesity, and so much more are from the suppression of rage and despair. Please permit yourself to deal with the anger. It might be difficult – you might feel like a “bad child” for giving the pain back. It was challenging for me, it still is, but this work must be done. The pain is not yours. The process never ends. Go back to the letter if you need to.
- Next, you have to release it physically – we store trauma physically. This is how illness and disease are formed: the breakdown of a cell during the repeated firing of an emotion that’s never been processed. I suggest reading When the Body Says No by Gabor Mate. A great example is Lou Gehrig’s disease. Just a simple questionnaire can predict it – no tests are needed. Lou Gehrig himself played 2000 games without missing one with 17 fractures in his hand. Yet he’d take care of a rookie who had the flu. Some people can’t say no and constantly try to help others – they suffer physically from it and can’t take care of themselves. You have to release the rage physically. Take a baseball bat to the bed, punch a steering wheel, go to a rage-house! Please let that anger rip and let it out. The exhilaration is freeing. You may have to do this several times.
- We need to start reorienting the subconscious and creating a new neural pathway to make a best-day cycle. I call this the “Feelization” step. Sit in the feeling of being powerful. What does that look and feel like? Ask yourself what you would think and feel if you could never feel this negative thought and feeling ever again? What would be left over? All my clients say free, light, strong, safe, powerful, quiet, protected, etc. Sit in that feeling. Let your body get addicted to that new neural pathway: a sense and essence of who you’re meant to be. We can’t picture our authentic selves and who we’re meant to be for many of us. But, all of us have someone we respect – look for a person, place, or thing that makes you think, “Yeah, my authentic self is like that.” It could be a mountain, an art piece, a famous person, or someone you know. Ask yourself, “Is that the best version of me?” Think of what it would feel like for you to exemplify and own the best part of yourself. Sit in that. Start feeling and firing the chemical reaction. We’re trying to create a massive chemical explosion to make an imprint in our subconscious mind of who we are.
- The last piece is self-forgiveness. Many of us have a hard time forgiving ourselves because we’re just noticing the worst day cycle. It shows us the first time something happened, we weren’t responsible, but we chose to relive it in adulthood. It shows us we are responsible. Because you haven’t been taught, you are not to blame. It’s not about blaming but about getting into the reality that we do this to ourselves. It can feel horrible because of that original traumatic experience. Trauma leaves shame. It makes us feel worthless. But we need to forgive ourselves. We are always doing the best we can, even in those moments when we can’t get ourselves to do what we want. You’re the best you can be, and you can’t be blamed for doing things you aren’t aware of. As we know more, we can do more.
Now the choice is in front of you: this is the first time you’ve had the choice. No one has taught you this – you are not flawed or defective. But now you have a choice: decide if you want to go back and heal the pain from the past. You are an infant today. You get to choose what sort of life you want to live now. You’re forgiven for what you did previous to this. There may be consequences from our past, but we don’t have to shame ourselves for it. How could you have done better? Forgive yourself, love yourself. What’s the best way to love yourself? Learn the skills and tools to turn this around. That’s how we regain our authentic selves and discover who we are meant to be.
Forgiveness is ownership. It’s not your fault someone may have been toxic, but we are responsible for letting them into our life. Our inability to accept that responsibility is our inability to forgive ourselves. We are shaming ourselves when we don’t admit that truth. We’re keeping the cycle going and victimizing ourselves when we don’t take responsibility for our thoughts and actions. We must clear out our worst-day cycle and shame-based feeling. We must forgive ourselves.
If you want to see more about this process, I coached a client live. The video is called 23 Minutes to Forgiveness – please watch it. She couldn’t forgive her ex-husband because she couldn’t forgive herself. I walk her through the process to realize and accomplish this. I ask questions to lead her to the answer – and she arrived at it. If you want the same experience, watch that video.
Once we have the new neural pathway, really double down on your breathwork, mindfulness, manifestation, yoga, all of it. It will skyrocket! When you shift the way you feel, you will be blown away by the success of all the modalities.
I hope this helped you – if you think it could help others, please like, share, and leave comments.
Enjoy The Journey!
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