Would you like to know how to get closure from a narcissist? Below are ten ways that have worked for those wanting to move past their relationships with narcissists.
1. Find closure from within
No matter how much you try, you will never get closure from the narcissist. They will never give it to you because they want to keep you on the line. So, all the questions you want to ask them and all the things you want an explanation for will get you nowhere. Realizing this is one of the most challenging things because it makes us feel powerless. However, truly understanding that closure needs to come from within is the first step in moving forward.
2. Stop obsessing
This means that you must eliminate everything – pictures, videos, souvenirs, any reminder of them. Throw it all away. It’s key to also do away with those obsessive thoughts, which will take a little more discipline and effort.
The second you start thinking about any aspect of the relationship, focus on things you can see around you – chair, rug, lamp, etc. This will help distract you from those obsessive thoughts; you cannot allow any of them to make a home in your mind. Finally, you have to make the conscious choice to stop. Every time we think about them, we are back in that relationship again; we haven’t left. Choosing to leave the relationship means leaving all of it.
3. Resist the temptation to learn about narcissism
While many experts believe the opposite, it is actually more important to focus on you and your recovery first and learn about everything else later. Knowing how to identify narcissism and narcissistic behaviors is essential, but not until further along in your recovery journey. Several steps need to be taken before you do that.
If you obsessively learn about narcissism initially, you’re going to spend most of your energy comparing every piece of information you get against your narcissist. You’re going to be stuck in the relationship and focusing too much on them rather than yourself; the toxicity levels are way too high with this kind of thinking. You will lose yourself and stay stuck in the narcissist’s web if you’re spending so much time learning about them.
4. Pay attention to the media you consume
Become aware of what kind of television you’re watching and the music you’re listening to. A show like American Greed, for example, is all about narcissistic sociopaths. So many people watch these shows and try to figure out how they could do something like that? Or how could someone fall for X? You’re trying to make sense of whether you would fall victim to people like that.
Television like this, including that fascination with narcissists, is a sign that you’re still stuck; you’re reliving your experience with your narcissist in an absent-minded sort of way. Sad, victim-oriented music is the same way and can impact your behavior and thought processes. Conversely, ridiculous shows and uplifting music can have tremendous impacts on your ability to heal and move on.
5. Follow the 90/10 rule
You’re in a relationship with a narcissist because 90% of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors focus on the narcissist, while 10% focus on yourself. That’s common with people who end up with narcissists – they’re severely codependent. This dynamic needs to flip.
We need to learn to love and care for ourselves. We achieve that by focusing 90% of our thoughts, feelings, and behaviors on healing, loving, and recovering ourselves. We build up our self-love and self-esteem by focusing almost entirely on ourselves.
6. Work through the grief process
The stages of grief are shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Most people get stuck at the bargaining stage, cycling through the first three steps to avoid that depressive stage. They don’t want to feel the pain that comes from being with a narcissist, which is a feeling that was there before the narcissist came along. This is ultimately what every person who has been in a relationship with a narcissist is avoiding. They chose the narcissist because of the underlying pain they have yet to heal.
7. Take responsibility
The biggest struggle for someone who can’t find closure is being unable to take responsibility for their part in the relationship. Do not buy into false messaging that the narcissists are the only ones with a problem. Narcissists are undeniably the ones to blame, but those attracted to narcissists are responsible for their attraction to them.
We can never divorce ourselves from our responsibility in choosing a narcissist and allowing them into our lives. It didn’t happen by magic, after all. We chose them out of the millions of people we could have chosen.
We will know we haven’t worked through the grief process if we still blame the narcissist for everything and feel anger towards them. If we’re doing that, we’re once again stuck; we’re not taking any responsibility for our part. Attraction to a narcissist comes from childhood trauma that we haven’t healed. We avoid responsibility so we can avoid facing this underlying trauma. Therefore, we need to put in the work to heal ourselves if we want to move forward. If we don’t acknowledge this fact about ourselves, we’re likely condemned to choose another narcissist in the future.
8. Get help for our codependency
Any person who is with a narcissist is codependent. One of the core symptoms of codependency is immaturity.
What does that look like? It means failing to take responsibility for our thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and actions, much like a child. When we don’t address our underlying pain and codependence and continually place all the responsibility at the narcissist’s feet, we remain stagnant in our immaturity and codependence.
9. Love the memories, not the person
Narcissists are gifted in creating magical moments filled with everything we could ever want, which can be confusing. It can be tough to let go because these experiences play into the fantasy we may have always had. We start to question what was real or fake or whether we had simply imagined the love we felt.
However, we can love the memories without needing to love the person any longer. We can hold onto that memory of ‘God, I felt loved at that moment and know that we felt tremendous without analyzing whether that love was real or not. The way it made you feel is real. So please do not take those beautiful moments away from yourself; revel in them.
When we can reconcile the idea that a moment is not a person, we’ll be able to start creating closure within ourselves.
10. Learn about the worst day cycle
In basic terms, the worst day cycle is responsible for every individual’s pain in their life. Nobody’s immune from reliving their worst day cycle, regardless of income or station in life.
The worst day cycle is a maladaptive, self-victimizing, emotionally addictive process that humans have created in response to childhood trauma. Because of the societal lack of knowledge, skills, and tools in parenting, trauma, and emotional mastery, no one is immune from this process. By understanding the worst day cycle, we remove the mystery of the narcissist and relationships and of life itself. Having this understanding and moving through the process of recovery allows you a roadmap to achieve the life you want.
Enjoy The Journey
To learn more, check out the video here:
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