Today I'm going to look into where the feeling of unworthiness comes from, what it teaches us about ourselves, and how we turn it around into worthiness.
I will be laying out this process in full disclosure: "stolen" from Dr. Gabor Mate. He and I are kindred spirits. He does a great job of laying things out beautifully, and I encourage you to look him up. While I've talked about all these concepts before, I will use his model because it's effective and ultimately matters if you get great information.
Before we start, I will give you a quote as a frame of reference – it will help you absorb the depth of what I'm going to discuss and make it more palatable. From A. H. Almaas,
"Your conflicts, all the difficult things, the problematic situations in your life are not chance or haphazard. They are yours. They are specifically yours, designed specifically for you by a part of you that loves you more than anything else. The part of you that loves you more than anything else has created roadblocks to lead you to yourself. You are not going in the right direction unless something is pricking you in the side, telling you, 'Look here! This way!' That part of you loves you so much that it doesn't want you to lose the chance. It will go to extreme measures to wake you up; it will make you suffer greatly if you don't listen. What else can it do? That is its purpose."
This ties in with my entire belief system. Any "bad" situation is a gift.
We are going to start with five questions that help you discover where this unworthiness comes from:
- What's a recent time where you were upset with someone? Focus on it.
- What was your emotional reaction? What was their behavior?
- What does it mean that this other person wasn't willing to do something?
- Are there other alternative reasons why they wouldn't do it?
- What does this teach us about ourselves?
To illustrate, I will give a story from my own life, from my second marriage. We were going through a difficult time - my ex-wife developed an emotional affair with a coworker. I requested we talk about it with our counselor. As I laid out my thoughts and feelings and told her it needed it to stop, she said it was my issue. She said I was codependent and had to get over it. She said she'd do the counseling for six months, and if I still struggle, it's on me. What was my emotional reaction? Rejection, hurt, anger, frustration, neglected, unheard, unseen. What does it mean that she wouldn't do these things for me? I felt unlovable and unworthy. I thought if this person cared, they would change! For me. Are there any other reasons? Besides me being unworthy? Of course. She had her own needs and wants. She had spent her childhood in poverty, so maybe it was an opportunity for her to get everything she wanted. Perhaps she was seeing her morals and values change. I could go on and on with these alternatives, and none of them have anything to do with me. The reasons almost always have nothing to do with you. We can pick the situation to learn about ourselves.
Here are seven questions to help you navigate what it may be teaching you about yourself:
- Do you see we are reacting out of our perception of what reality is, not what reality truly is? My perception was I was neglected, but that wasn't reality. My ex-wife was right; I was codependent.
- Do you see that we always choose the worst possible outcome in all these situations - one that says we are unworthy? This is because we choose a false reality.
- Do you see this process is automatic for all of us? We don't think about it. It just happens! We immediately choose to be unworthy and neglected. That is trauma, a traumatic response from childhood. It shows how detached from reality we are. We keep reliving the trauma we never healed.
- Do you see this means we still do not believe we are worthy? Or worthy of being cared for? Again, it goes back to our childhood.
- Do you see it shows a lack of compassion for ourselves? Again, we are choosing the wrong reality that tells us we aren't worthy. We always make it about ourselves and lack compassion.
- Do you see it shows we still have access to our true nature and authentic self, no matter how unworthy we feel? We can recognize as we go through this that our authentic self knows that we are the ones doing this to ourselves. Meaning we can heal it and get unstuck. We create the problem for ourselves and are stuck in the perception created for ourselves in childhood.
- Do you see it shows us that the problems in our life are there to heal us?
Read through the quote again and think through the situation with my ex-wife. Do you see the reason I picked my ex-wife? It was to break me. The divorce and the withdrawal almost killed me. It was pricking me in the side, like in the quote. But, what was ultimately killing me in my life? The myriad of traumatic things in my childhood. And the one thing I wasn't willing to let go of "control." Finally, I realized the only way to survive was to let go of control and not know what would happen. That single choice was the final piece for me.
Do I still shame myself? Of course! We all do. The journey never ends, and you don't want it to end! These moments are a prick in my side to remind me to have compassion and love myself.
That's why we pick these people. That's why these things happen in our lives. They bring us back to our worth. The three steps to regain worth are:
- We have to stop seeing these things as problems and instead as learning opportunities.
- Recognize whenever we feel unworthy that it's just trauma from childhood. We all experience it.
- Choose to learn how to heal from childhood pain and change those subconscious messages replaying in these situations that make us the problem.
We can all access our authentic selves. We don't have to carry that pain anymore and making these choices guarantees access.
Are you on the Journey to reclaiming your authentic self? I have developed masterclasses to help you achieve just that. TAKE A LOOK!
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