Today I'm talking about the importance and differences between negotiable's and non-negotiable's when it comes to codependence recovery.
The first thing to recognize is that we must know our morals and values to know our negotiable and non-negotiable's. I've done videos and have articles on those, so please check them out. If we don't have a North Star and know what we value: how do we know if something is negotiable in our life or not? It would help if you navigated that path first.
What is a negotiable? It's something you're willing to compromise. While we may have a strong opinion on something, another person's beliefs can move us. It may not be perfect, but it doesn't go against our morals and values. It doesn't go against our belief system. It may be in the gray area.
What are some examples of negotiable's? In a relationship, maybe you're not as concerned with how clean your partner keeps the house. Or maybe how often someone drinks – it may not matter much to you. Or foods they like or table manners or activities. There's an amount you're willing to accept. This framework could apply to other aspects of your life, like your career.
How do you determine a non-negotiable? That's something that flat-out goes against your values (or your belief system). You won't sacrifice your beliefs. An example for me is alcohol. I'm a recovering alcoholic – someone wanting a drink once a week is negotiable for me. Beyond that? Non-negotiable. Any drug is a non-negotiable for me. I want someone fully present. Bear in mind: this doesn't make me right! It's just mine, and you get to have yours. Yours could be the opposite - that's what I want you to look at so you can honor it.
If we allow any non-negotiable behavior and get upset, we are angry at ourselves and not the other person. Going against our non-negotiable's is what messes people up in relationships. Most people have not sat and looked at their morals, values, negotiable's, and non-negotiable's. As a result, they end up in relationships with people they shouldn't.
Because of codependence, we will blame the other person when they engage in non-negotiable actions – most of the time, the behaviors were there from the outset. We often get caught up in an immature way of selecting people, and we end up married to someone with five non-negotiable things. That's not their fault. It's ours. Many say, "well, I didn't know!" Most people do not sit down and discuss their morals and values with their partner – but we need to.
And most people will see signs early on but refuse to own it – that's codependence. No one gets in our life unless we allow it.
Codependent people almost always allow people, places, and things into their lives that go against what they believe. They are responsible for that, yet they project the blame onto others. They need to start taking ownership of that and do these exercises to change it and regain themselves.
What's the process to figure out your negotiable's and non-negotiable's?
To start, make two lists. On one side, put "negotiable" and on the other "non-negotiable." Next, list virtually every aspect of life. What are your morals and values? And which are negotiable and non-negotiable? I've talked about drugs and alcohol: where do you sit with those things? Politics, religion, relationships, intimacy, communication (and forms thereof), parenting, careers, friends, hobbies, etc., should all be on there. Every area of life.
By employing this process, we begin healing codependence, having relationships we want, and achieving our life goals. Conversely, if we skip this process, we have no shot.
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