Hello! Today I’m talking about the seven steps to get over a toxic ex. So let’s get right into it:
- Cut off all contact. Delete them off social media. Block them. Please get rid of them, stop all communication. I know that can be difficult, and the next six steps will help you do this, but this step is critical. Leave and be steadfast.
- Remove all pictures, mementos, music, etc., that are associated with them. First, we have to remove the reminders. If we don’t, we will keep analyzing them.
- Stop analyzing them. We sit there and think what this and that meant or didn’t mean, spending all our time ruminating over them. The main reason we do this is to understand and create closure. But they’re toxic: they won’t allow closure. So it’s our responsibility to make closure with ourselves. We do this by stopping analysis. Our analyzing them is an attempt to avoid our own pain. That’s the biggest reason we analyze them: we don’t want to go through withdrawal and investigate ourselves. They become a way we can medicate and keep ourselves from this. Our culture doesn’t allow us to feel and talk about pain – that’s absurd! We only get happy when we have the skillset to move through the difficult things in our life. The ugliest things in life are the most fantastic springboards to the best things in life. Recognize the rumination is robbing you of you. And only you can stop that. Stop letting them own you and get your power back.
I’ll tell you how I stopped analyzing my second divorce. I was in the car one day, ruminating. I started screaming out whatever I saw: tree, house, car. I made myself stop thinking about the past or future and get present. Anytime she came up in my mind, I did that: carpet, tile, glasses. I got in the present. I was not going to give my power away.
4. Get into self-care. What brings you joy and makes you smile? Hiking? Shopping? Manicures? Going hunting? Every time we want to obsess about them, go to our self-care list and do one of those things.
5. Get into reality and face our denial. We need to stop romanticizing the good parts of the relationship. This is one of the ways we stay stuck – thinking of the good things they did. But you wouldn’t be reading this if you didn’t know in your heart that they are toxic. All of those things they did were manipulations to keep you around. Make a list of all the painful, toxic moments. Then, when you start romanticizing, go back to the list and remind yourself of the truth. I know how difficult it can be to let go of – those beautiful moments because they felt so intense, like our hearts were on fire. Finally, I discovered I could love the memories and let go of the person.
6. Look at ourselves. What do we need to heal in ourselves? A toxic person only gets in our lives due to our own dysfunction. None of us will get into a relationship unless we say yes – even if the other person “chased” us. We’re responsible for saying yes. I wrote a whole book called Your Journey To Success which describes the worst day cycle and how this happens to us all. I discovered that we are only in a relationship with a toxic person because our childhood was toxic. Unless we go back and heal that pain, we will always attract toxic people. There will always be toxicity in our life. We must heal the pain in the past. The other thing to recognize is: the best version of ourselves brought us to this person. All of our available skills, tools, and knowledge created the attraction. If we want this to end, we need to create a better version of ourselves. We need to attain new knowledge, skills, and tools. When we do that, we will attract someone who is not toxic and can love us.
7. Finally, picture what you really want in a relationship? We weren’t taught to do this, but we need to sit down and write out our morals, values, needs, wants, negotiable’s, and non-negotiable’s if we wish to a genuinely loving relationship. When we don’t have this framework, we end up with behaviors we don’t like. When we write all this out, we will spot a non-negotiable on the first date and be done. If we haven’t mapped these out, we guarantee that we will pick a toxic person again.
I hoped this helped you and as always:
Enjoy The Journey! 🕺🏼
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